Big Tech's About to Copy Us and Pretend They Came Up With It

Roast Your Site for $10 &
Actually Make It Better

Tired of website audits that sound like a Magic 8-Ball? "Try again later," "Needs improvement," "Consider using… words?"

We've led global brands, spent over $100M on real ad campaigns, and now we've distilled that expertise into the most savage, no-BS $10 website roast on the internet.

What you get:

  • A full HTML deep dive—because bandaids don't fix bullet holes
  • A brutal, no-fluff teardown—not some AI-generated "looks good!" nonsense
  • Specific, actionable fixes you can implement today—because vague advice won't fix your site

Your site speed? Slower than a boomer on TikTok.
Your funnel? Leakier than corporate gossip.
Your copy? So vague it could run for office.

Most audits hold your hand. We hand you the exact roadmap to better conversions. $10. Full teardown. Real results. Fix your site before your competitors send you a thank-you note.

Silhouette of a person against a light gray background, showing only the outline of their head and shoulders.

Talking smack about bad marketing doesn't mean you're immune. Our CTAs? Weak. Messaging? Meh. The roast? Brutal. We fixed it—now here you are. Moral of the story? Everyone needs a roast—even us.

– MarketingRoast.com CEO, Former Marketing Victim

Is Your Page a Hero or a Zero?

A Sneak Peek at the Roast Formula—The Rest is on a Need-to-Know Basis.

Hook or Snooze?

Did your page grab attention—or put people to sleep faster than a corporate webinar? We'll tell you if your headline, visuals, and first impression are stopping the scroll or sending people straight to the exit button.

Call-to-Action or Call-to-Ignore?

Your CTA should make people click, not confuse them. We'll check if your buttons, forms, and offers are clear, persuasive, and impossible to ignore—or if they're as effective as a "Sign Up for Our Newsletter" popup in 2024.

Trust or Bust?

People don't buy from brands they don't trust. Do you have the right proof—testimonials, social proof, credibility signals—to make visitors believe you're legit? Or does your page feel as sketchy as a "free iPad" giveaway?

Smooth or Stuck?

Is your landing page experience seamless and high-converting—or does it load like it's running on dial-up? We'll check if your design, speed, and user flow actually guide people to conversion or make them rage-click away.

Real Experience.
Relentless Precision.

With 25 years in digital marketing—including time as a CMO for brands your boss still brags about—we've seen everything: sky-high ROIs, total flops, and campaigns so broken they should've come with a warning label.

We built the world's most brutally effective marketing AI to give you instant, actionable answers—without the agency markup.

This isn't fluff. We dive into your HTML like marketing surgeons—uncovering bloated code, weak CTAs, UX roadblocks, and copy that sounds like it was written mid-existential crisis.
​
​For $10, we'll roast your site so hard it comes back stronger—and maybe even a little embarrassed. And we'll do it in a matter of seconds—faster than your agency can find the Zoom link for your next "strategy sync.

Portrait of young happy indian business man executive looking at camera. Eastern male professional teacher, smiling ethnic bearded entrepreneur or manager posing in office, close up face headshot.

This roast hurt my feelings, but not as much as my ad's 0.3% CTR. Now I'm getting clicks AND sales.

(Former Marketing Disaster)

We Burn the BS Out of Your Marketing

Think your website's doing its job? Cute. We'll tell you if it's actually converting—or just sitting there like a digital paperweight.

Right now, we're zeroed in on the only place that really matters: Your web pages. Because if your site can't sell, nothing else you do matters.

Your ads? Wasted.
Your SEO? Pointless.
Your analytics? Just a pile of sad charts.
Your website is the foundation of your entire funnel—and most are built on sand.

We roast your pages with brutal honesty, sharp insights, and zero fluff. Every pixel, every word, every lost lead gets dragged into the spotlight.

This isn't a vibe check. It's a conversion intervention.

Start here. Fix the page. Then—maybe—we'll talk about the rest.

ROAST MY WEB PAGE
Headshot closeup portrait middle eastern Israel businesswoman, business lady standing isolated on white background. Happy smiling young successful 20s Arabian or Indian woman in suit, looking camera

They called my CTA 'as exciting as an insurance seminar'—and they were right. Fixed it, and conversions shot up 42%.

(Reluctantly Grateful Business Owner)

Man in an office suit with text: 'Me about to check Google Analytics after a new post. I am ready to get hurt again.'

Do They Even Know What They're Doing?

An abridged version of our roast—just a tiny taste of the full fire we bring

Red Netflix logo on a black background.

Netflix.com: Billion-Dollar Brand, Bargain Bin UX

Netflix built a content empire, but their website? It's got all the UX charm of a Windows 98 startup screen. Sure, they finally show pricing upfront (golf clap), but their overall user experience still has some serious gaps.

Homepage messaging is as bland as overcooked oatmeal. "Unlimited movies, TV shows, and more"? That could be literally any streaming service. Where's the unique hook? Why not push "The biggest blockbusters, exclusives, and trending hits—only here" instead? Make people feel like they'll miss out if they don't sign up right now.

Navigation is a maze with no exit signs. The site assumes visitors already know what they want. Want to browse content before signing up? Too bad. You get hit with the "Sign Up" wall immediately. Give users a teaser—let them explore trending shows or featured categories before pushing the CTA. More curiosity = more conversions.

SEO is a joke (but not the funny kind). Google "Best Netflix shows," and instead of Netflix ranking first, you'll land on BuzzFeed, Rotten Tomatoes, or some random blogger's listicle. How does a $200B company lose to listicle blogs? Netflix needs SEO-optimized landing pages for its top genres, new releases, and trending shows to dominate search instead of letting competitors eat their organic traffic.

Mobile UX is streaming in 144p. The layout on mobile feels cramped, buttons aren't as intuitive as they should be, and let's be real—speed could be better. On a slow connection, Netflix's homepage loads slower than your grandma's VHS player. Optimize caching, compress assets, and smooth out those animations.

Quick Fixes Netflix Should Implement Immediately

  • Rewrite the homepage messaging to highlight exclusive content and urgency.
  • Let users browse some content before forcing a signup wall. Even Disney+ does this better.
  • Fix their SEO game. Dedicated landing pages for trending shows, top categories, and what's new this month could funnel millions of additional visitors into signups.
  • Tighten up mobile speed and navigation. Right now, it's a clunky experience that could easily be streamlined.

Final Take: A Streaming Giant That's Leaving UX Dollars on the Table

Netflix dominates content, but their website is coasting on brand power instead of great UX. A few strategic fixes could turn more casual visitors into subscribers faster than a cliffhanger ending.

This was just a tiny taste of our full roast. The deep dive? Sharper, spicier, and packed with conversion-boosting insights.

ROAST MY WEB PAGE
T-Mobile requests a "roast" from Wendy's on Twitter; Wendy's humorously replies with a customer service wait joke.

Loved Your $10 Roast? Want More?

One roast is great. But staying on top of your site every month? That's where the real wins live.

Starting at $49/month for 10 pages, you can keep the fire going with automated, intelligent roasts that evolve with your site.

Here's What You Get:

• Set-It-and-Forget-It Automation
Add up to 10 pages. We'll roast them monthly like clockwork—so your site stays sharp without lifting a finger.
(Starting at $49/month for 10 pages.)

• No Repeats. No Redundancy.
We track every roast. If nothing's changed, we don't waste your time. If something has changed—we break it down.

• Real Score Tracking Over Time
Revisit a page months later? We'll compare it to the last roast, show what improved, what didn't, and what still sucks.

• Change Pages Anytime
Need to shift focus to a new funnel or campaign? Swap pages anytime. No hassle, no limits.

- The Most Fun You'll Have Getting Criticized
It's brutal. It's helpful. It's weirdly addictive. Staying optimized has never been this entertaining—or this effective.

Not ready to commit? Start with one page for just $10.
See what the hype's about. If it hits you where it hurts (in a good way), you'll know exactly why ongoing roasting is worth every penny.

ROAST MY WEB PAGE

Shoot Your Shot (But Read the Fine Print First)

Thinking of sliding into our inbox? Love that for you. But let's set some ground rules.

If you're a Fortune 500 exec or part of an investment firm with deep pockets, let's chat—we look great on a balance sheet.

Got a genius idea to help us grow? If it's actually brilliant (and not just "exposure" in disguise), we're all ears.

Looking for a job? Hate to break it to you, but the robots are taking over, and the algorithm never takes a coffee break. We're not hiring—honestly, AI is running the whole show anyway.

For everyone else—if it's funny, interesting, or wildly lucrative, we just might reply.

Drop us a line: extracrispy@marketingroast.com